MAXIM ’ S GUIDE TO SURVIVING THE APOCALYPSE
ARMAGEDDON MAY BE UPON US, BUT FEAR NOT: ANYONE WHO HAS READ THE BIBLE OR SEEN RESIDENT EVIL KNOWS THAT EVERY APOCALYPSE HAS SURVIVORS – INCLUDING SCANTILY-CLAD HOT ONES WHO LOOK LIKE MILLA JOVOVICH. AND WE’VE GOT THE TOOLS YOU’LL NEED TO MAKE IT OUT ALIVE WHEN JUDGMENT DAY ARRIVES. BUST OUT THE DUCT TAPE!
ELEVATED THREAT LEVEL WORLD WAR III
Sure, he’s got a fantastic jump shot, but in a volatile world filled with Ahmadinejads and Abu Nazir wannabes, does returning president Barack Obama have what it takes to protect the free world from global conflict? On one hand, US relations with Russia have become increasingly chilly ever since they invaded Georgia in 2008. Meanwhile, the pissing contest with Iran has yet to extinguish their nuclear ambitions, and reports claim they have enough nuke juice for a functioning bomb. Add deeply troubling conditions in Afghanistan, Syria, Iraq, Pakistan, Lebanon, and North Korea to the overheated stew and suddenly Kennedy’s big ‘test’ – the Cuban missile crisis – feels like a high school production of Mamma Mia! If WWIII is on its way, is it just a matter of time before there are mushroom clouds in democracy’s backyard? Because, you know, that would totally f—k up those agapanthus we just planted back there.
SURVIVAL KIT: Radiation suit, duct tape.
WHERE TO GO FOR SANCTUARY: You’re already here. Anyone who’s seen any postapocalyptic movies knows the world ultimately looks like Australia, so best get used to the terrain and bush tucker rations sooner rather
than later. Learn how to convert a battered old Torana into a tank when you get the chance.
PROS: We rarely get directly affected by war.
CONS: Widespread casualties worldwide and mutant radioactive zombies.
WHEN WILL THIS HAPPEN? We doubt you’ll need to build a bomb shelter or practice ducking beneath a school desk anytime soon. Even still, you can get an insight on what to do in the instance WWIII eventuates by playing
the new CoD.
LOW THREAT LEVEL THE RAPTURE
According to a Time/CNN poll, 59 per cent of Americans believe the biblical ending depicted in the book of Revelation will come to pass. If they’re right, the Earth shall soon become an especially bad Michael Bay movie filled with demons, plagues of locusts, rivers of blood, and robots (we hope). On the bright side (at least for believers): Before the planet goes to hell in a handbasket, the Rapture will arrive. Christians will be whisked away to the heavens to meet Jesus, thanking their lucky stars they weren’t left behind with the world’s Muslims, Hindus, Jews, and men’s magazine staff to face a bloody Armageddon. “The Rapture is imminent,” says RaptureReady.com’s general editor, Terry James. “Millions of Christians are going to disappear.” And according to most evangelicals, our only hope is to convert before the Rapture occurs. Guess we’d better get to church and start looking for a nice Buddhist couple to feed the cats.
SURVIVAL KIT: Jesus Is The Reason for The Season sweater, a copy of that footprints-in-the-sand story, duct tape.
WHERE TO GO FOR SANCTUARY: The Bible Belt. Duh, ignorant heathen scum.
PROS: No collection plate.
CONS: Itchy church pants.
WHEN WILL THIS HAPPEN? Tim LaHaye, co-author of the Christian doom and gloom Left Behind series, say Israel holds the key. Matthew 24:34 suggests that once Israel becomes a state, as it did in 1948, a “generation shall not pass” before Armageddon arrives. Since some biblical scholars qualify a biblical generation as being 40 years, many predicted the Rapture/Armageddon would happen by 1988. Now many say we should forget the 1948 date and focus on Israel’s Six Day War in 1967. Which should put the Rapture right about… uh-oh.
LOW THREAT LEVEL A RMAGEDDON 2012
You’ll probably recall that New Year’s Eve 1999 was filled with lots of apocalyptic anxiety. That was nothing. The real doomsday jitters will arrive on December 21, 2012, when the 5,125-year cycle that makes up the
Mayans’ calendar system officially comes to a close. Some, including the authors of The Bible Code and The Nostradamus Code, have predicted that an enormous comet or meteor will destroy the Earth during this
fateful year. Or worse, says Lawrence E. Joseph, author of Apocalypse 2012: An Investigation Into Civilization’s End, “The next peak in the sunspot cycle, due in 2012, is widely expected to set records for the number and intensity
of solar storms pummelling the Earth with radiation and igniting natural calamities such as earthquakes, volcanoes, and Katrina-size hurricanes.” And we thought sitting through Apocalypto was bad.
SURVIVAL KIT: Sunscreen (SPF 90+), non-Mesoamerican calendar, duct tape.
WHERE TO GO FOR SANCTUARY: Start investing in a moon plot. If the Earth’s gone, even Survivorman and MacGyver are going to have a tough time improvising.
PROS: Some, like Daniel Pinchbeck, author of 2012: The Return of Quetzalcoatl, believe an upcoming evolution in consciousness will make humans smarter. Possibly even smart enough to pronounce “Quetzalcoatl” properly.
CONS: We’re gonna get screwed on all those 2013 T-shirts that we invested in.
WHEN WILL THIS HAPPEN? The precise time the Mayan calendar comes to its conclusion is December 21, 2012, at 11:11pm, Universal Time. Bummer – that’s right in the middle of fap o'clock!
ELEVATED THREAT PENICILLIN-PROOF BUGS
There’s an incredibly scary, medically induced health-care crisis happening right now – and we’re not talking about our crippling addiction to codeine. The meds that people have been counting on for decades to treat everything from pneumonia to tuberculosis to those burning sensations in the pee-pee department are becoming useless. Turns out the overuse of antibiotics has caused many previously treatable bacteria and germs to evolve into badass, drugresistant superbugs. For a nightmarish example, there’s the drug-resistant staph infection known as MRSA, which was responsible for more than 18,000 deaths in 2007 in the United States alone, according to the Centers for Disease Control. Germophobes who are afraid to touch anything at the doctor’s office may be onto something: More than 100,000 Americans die each year from hospitalacquired infections. So warns the Food
and Drug Administration, “the world could be faced with previously treatable diseases that have once again become untreatable, as in the days before antibiotics were developed”. Crippling plague, anyone?
SURVIVAL KIT: Condoms, antibacterial soap, cootie spray, duct tape.
WHERE TO GO FOR SANCTUARY: Inside an impenetrable bubble.
PROS: It’s a great excuse for skipping the gym, which is a breeding ground for bacteria and staph infections.
CONS: Without penicillin, you can add untreatable gonorrhea to your list of concerns after sleeping with that skanky cashier from Hot Dollar with the lazy eye.
WHEN WILL THIS HAPPEN? Why waste time? Go pick up a potentially deadly staph infection at your nearest hospital, gym, or high school locker room today!
SEVERE THREAT LEVEL OUR FEVERISH BIOSPHERE
The weather is getting weirder by the day. Headlines are filled with evidence of terrifying climate change: record-setting droughts, horrible floods, extinction of species, ruined ski trips. Global warming is as “frightening as a science fiction movie”, said U.N. Secretary- General Ban Ki-moon after citing an international study that stated, if we don’t take drastic measures, we’ve got nothing but good times to look forward to: An estimated 75 million-to-250 million people in Africa could be hit with brutal water shortages, and 25 per cent of the planet’s animal and plant life could die off by 2020. Nice knowing you, African viviparous toad! Of course, some still think climate change is a lot of hot air but it’s getting harder to deny that the planet seems to have a lethal hangover from its extended bender with the human race
SURVIVAL KIT: Yacht with a wet bar, bathing suit, air conditioner, duct tape.
WHERE TO GO FOR SANCTUARY: Tibet. You can brush up on your Buddhism while avoiding the rising seas in the Himalayas.
PROS: You’ll be able to buy that perfect beachfront home – in central Australia.
CONS: More men wearing thongs and hot pants in July.
WHEN WILL THIS HAPPEN? Most experts believe climate change is already happening and will get worse in the immediate future unless we make serious changes now. Fine, we’ll only use half a bottle of hair lacquer
on our coif before we go out clubbing.
GUARDED THREAT LEVEL NANOBIOBOTS GONE WILD !
In the very near future, your insides may be crawling with thousands of selfpropelled robotic organisms – known as nanobiobots – that diagnose disease, clean up your arteries, and even fight cancer. But there’s a catch: Many scientists worry that the endgame will be an army of dangerous, self-replicating nanobiobots that will reproduce at alarming rates and turn the planet into a big ball of so-called “grey goo”. Michael Crichton’s Prey, among other science fiction novels, addressed the grey goo scenario, and many experts agree that it’s a legitimate threat. “[Grey goo] will have the ability to feed on us until we are extinct,” says Alan H. Goldstein, a prize-winning researcher
in nanobiotechnology and unflappable optimist. At least the homicidal robots in The Terminator had funny accents!
SURVIVAL KIT: Teflon body suit, goo repellent, duct tape.
WHERE TO GO FOR SANCTUARY: Canberra. Not even flesh-eating nanobiobots want to go to Canberra.
PROS: The grey goo would engulf Ashton Kutcher.
CONS: The grey goo would engulf you.
WHEN WILL THIS HAPPEN? Scientists believe that nanobiobots will be used to battle cancer and other diseases in the next couple years, so pretty soon after that. Yikes!
